Parenting: The Value of Doing Our Own Healing
- Val Jones
- Jun 20
- 3 min read
Trauma can quietly shape the way we, as parents and caregivers, connect with our children, especially during the critical early stages of life. When a parent carries unresolved trauma, it doesn’t just affect their own well-being—it can influence the emotional bonds formed with children and mental health during the perinatal period for birthing parents.* Understanding this connection between caregivers and little ones, big kids, and teens is key to supporting families in building strong, healthy relationships despite (or maybe because of) wounds, both old and new.
Here's what you need to know...
How Trauma Affects Parenting
Traumatic experiences impact parenting and get passed down to the next generation in two major ways:
Biologically, and
Psychologically
Biology and Intergenerational Trauma
Unprocessed trauma doesn’t change the DNA, but it can change how genes are expressed. While researchers are still working on figuring out how this happens and what may be impacted in the next generation, we believe that these changes may reduce stress resilience and increase vulnerability for trauma disorders like PTSD.
Further, early exposure to high levels of stress – whether it happens during pregnancy or infancy – can have a huge impact on the baby’s growing HPA Axis, which is the core of the stress response system in the brain. In response to acute trauma, the hypothalamus (the "H" in HPA) releases a hormone (corticotropin-releasing hormone or CRH), prompting the pituitary (the "P") to secrete another hormone (adrenocorticotropic hormone or ACTH), which stimulates the adrenal glands (the "A") to release cortisol and adrenaline. This cascade mobilizes the body for a fight-or-flight response, preparing it to react to immediate threats.
Finally, some people with a history of trauma may live with a body chemistry primed for alarm. This has an impact on susceptibility to stress-related disorders, effects emotional regulation, and contributes to long-term health consequences. Early-life trauma, in particular, can leave a lasting imprint on stress mechanisms, increasing reactivity to stress throughout adulthood.
Note: these all apply equally to caregivers and children, which can make parenting more difficult even for caregivers who have minimal trauma exposure.
Psychological Ways Trauma is Shared in Families
Trauma from childhood, recent events, or ongoing stress, can alter how a parent or caregiver responds to a child’s needs. It often triggers heightened anxiety, emotional numbness, or difficulty regulating emotions. These reactions can make it challenging for caregivers to be consistently sensitive and responsive.
For example, a parent who experienced neglect as a child might struggle to recognize their infant’s cues or feel overwhelmed by the demands of caregiving. This can lead to inconsistent responses, which may confuse the child and affect their sense of security.
Trauma can also increase the risk of mental health challenges such as depression or anxiety during pregnancy and after birth. These conditions can further interfere with a parent’s ability to engage warmly and attentively with their baby.
Supporting Parents and Caregivers in Healing from Trauma
I'm guessing that if you are reading this you might already know how horrible it feels when you aren't emotionally able to meet your child's needs. Feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, and hopelessness just make matters worse. And the constant demands of caregiving certainly don't help. But do you know what will? Getting the support you need to heal those wounds.
My goal is simple: to help you pump the breaks when it comes to passing your wounds down to your children while supporting resilience in every member of the family. Here are a few steps you can start taking today to end the cycle and lay the groundwork for a more hopeful future.
Seek professional help: Therapists trained in trauma and perinatal mental health can offer tailored support. I'm a trauma therapist, myself, and would be honored to work with you.
Build a support network: Family, friends, and community resources provide emotional and practical help.
Practice self-care: Simple routines like mindfulness, gentle exercise, and rest can improve emotional regulation.
If you've got a baby, learn about infant cues: Parenting classes or resources can help parents understand and respond to their baby’s needs.
Create safe routines: Predictable daily patterns help both parent and child feel secure.
For More Info...
*Yes, you read that right - everyone who gives birth is not a mother, and not every mother has given birth. Just the facts, y'all.
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